In the midst of cleaning out different aspects of my life, one of the things I had contemplated removing was this blog. I’m a bit hesitant because this collects a lot of things that made me who I am today.

I am still undecided, and rest assured that I am still blogging (and will soon reveal where I have relocated once I am done designing everything) but for now, just keep posted if you’re one of my few loyal readers.

I will be back.

xoxo,

Jessica G.

Not sure if Ghandi even said that, but that’s irrelevant in this situation. This quote is really getting to me. This New Years Eve will be the first one that I don’t spend it at church in almost 11 years. Eleven years of my life. Eleven. The sad part of it all is that I don’t even feel bad about it. It’s practically killing me inside that I don’t feel bad because I should, but I just can’t imagine myself at church this year. Weird.

Coming from a  family of very strong devoted Christians: men and women of very strong faith, I can’t just reverse everything that was imparted in me these past eleven years of my life. I’m not even saying I want to try to go against it, although I know that it may seem like that’s what I’ve been doing since I last went to church.

I guess I just don’t know, for the very first time in my life, what this upcoming year holds in store for me. I used to know what I wanted to do. I used to know what I had to do. All because I knew what the Church expected from me.

Or maybe I do know what I want for my life, for the very first time, and I’m just scared of what “Christians” might think. Then again, why should I care about what they think? Most of them are judgmental, nosy snobs who are always all-up-into-your-life. Most. Not all. Majority. Almost all. But not all.

I’m just scared because I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ. This isn’t a repentance letter, because everything that has happened in 2012 has taught me a lot. It opened my eyes to everything I was so blindly following. Naturally, that’s something that the Church fears, yet I don’t know why. Maybe I’ll find out in 2013.

All I know is that in 2013, I’m going to learn more about Christ, not about what these Christians teach. These Christians are not like Christ, because if they were really were like Christ, I wouldn’t want to follow such a wicked-hearted person. I wouldn’t want to follow such high-maintenance-put-me-on-a-pedestal leader. I know Christ is more than that. He’s nothing like that. I need to find Christ.

“There was a time
I used to look into my father’s eyes.
In a happy home
I was a king, I had a golden throne.
Those days are gone, now the memories are on the wall.

I still remember how it all changed.
My father said,
‘Don’t you worry, don’t you worry, child.
See heaven’s got a plan for you.
Don’t you worry, don’t you worry now.’”

It certainly has made me bitter. Angry. All the time. I used to be creative and act upon it, but lately that hasn’t been happening. I still get creative ideas, I just blow them off and don’t bring it to life because I’m “too busy” or something. I think I’m going to start that again. This time I’m being serious, I feel like I’ve said it so many times before only to let the project fail again. I do need to re-activate that part of my life, it’s what brings me happiness. I need happiness.

Need.

in this state of mind that i am, whatever it may be, i feel exhausted. exhausted might just be an understatement. i’m so exhausted, i totally forgot what this post was going to be about.

i remember being really angry earlier because we had a sub in trig today, and it really irked my buttons because she confused the hell out of me right before the damn quiz. i can only blame myself because i should have just disregarded everything she was saying the minute her answer didn’t match the one in the back of the book. the answers are in the back of the book and obviously  if it didn’t match – it meant she didn’t know what she was doing.

it just really annoyed me. a lot. i was furious. frustrated. grrr.

now i’m too exhausted to even think of anything else. i’m supposed to be doing my poli sci essay questions. i guess i should do that right now. before it gets too late. i’m already two chapters behind. i can’t afford to fail.

anyway, i hate my life as a college student.

okay bye.

I wanted to dedicate a post to the concert that really started it all. Before attending the Till The Casket Drops Tour, I was a concert virgin. I had never been to a concert. I had always wanted to, I just never pulled through to actually bring myself to go.

Considering it was Grieves & Budo, Sol, and Intuition, I told myself that I absolutely HAD to go! So therefore I went. It was a first come first serve GA concert, so I arrived an hour early as my friend had advised me to do.

I panicked when I arrived because I saw nothing but death metal kids and beer bellied scruffy men lounging around the building. I thought I had gotten the address wrong. To my surprise, I was at the right place, they were simply having two concerts in two different sections of the building.

Once I found my line, I waited for about 15+ minutes before going inside. Once inside, it was pretty empty so we got a good view of the stage. It was really cramped and I was claustrophobic within the first 30 minutes. Once the show started about an hour later, I started feeling more at ease concentrating solely on the music filling the room. It was honestly nothing but good vibes because Intuition is SUCH a great entertainer. Aside from being a great entertainer, his music was amazing too. I’ll be honest to say that I had heard of him but I never really sat down to listen to his music before that night. After that night, his music was immediately installed into my computer. It was a must. Necessary.

After Intuition was done performing, Sol took the stage. I was anxious to see Sol. Anxious isn’t even a fitting word for this situation. Words can’t explain how much I was looking forward to seeing him. After listening to his music before his album dropped in January, I was hooked. I listened to his album for a month straight. It was new, fresh, and different. To me, he’s what you would call a lyricist. He definitely has a way with words and I think that’s what captivated me from the start. I was euphoric when he took the stage. Aside from all that, it’s also easy to see that he’s a very good looking man. So I was obviously excited to see his fro in real life. I fell even more in love with him that night, and I was about ready to ask him to take me with him on his journey across the world. So close yet so far. I never had the courage. I should have. He might have let me slip into his luggage.

The main course was Grieves & Budo. Obviously. They were amazing. The energy they brought onto the stage was insane. Considering they had back to back to back shows, you would think they’d be worn out and if they were.. they didn’t show it in the slightest. I was so close to Grieves, it was unbelievable. I was so close to BUDO. I will admit to the fact that I have a major crush on him. He’s so talented. He’s beyond talented.

I had gotten to the very front of the stage by the time they took the stage. Considering it was my first concert, I was excited. I know they’re real people, with real feelings, yadda yaddi yadda, I was still fangirling a bit inside.

I have been in love with their music for a long while, and to hear it live was an amazing experience. Especially with my new-found friend Edith! She was lovely! If I remember correctly, it was her first concert too! It was fun to experience it with someone who knew the same thing I was feeling. Daniel went as well, but he had gone to the same concert two nights before, and so he already experienced it. He is also a MAJOR concert veteran so he has a total different viewpoint on concerts as I do. This was all new for me.

After this concert, I have been antsy to go to another concert. I have a few in mind, I just don’t have anyone to go with. If you’re a concert junkie like myself, and have extra money to spare to buy yourself a ticket, hit me up & let’s go jam at a concert together! Yeah?

Sincerely,

Jessica Guzman

As the over-thinker I am, I began to question this. My fellow classmates were crying, saying their “see you later” to friends, and goodbye to the alma mater they attended for the past four years of their life. Yet, I simply sat there on the day of my graduation: seeing people be called up by name, hearing the cheers of proud families, blinking at the sight of what I had thought would be definite forever, suddenly become not so definite anymore.

High school was a safety blanket for me. Now that I don’t have it, now that I know I’m not returning to that school in the Fall, it kind of scares me. I wanted to leave so bad, I just wanted to graduate and be done already, so why am I suddenly becoming nostalgic for the shittiest four years of my life?

I don’t miss the memories, I just miss the security of knowing what to expect. I don’t know what to expect in the next few years of my life, and as a control-freak… that kind of scares me. I know that the future is unwritten, and I am the author.. but I can’t always expect to have my story have a happy ending. Can I? I don’t think life works that way although I truly wish it did.

The end of what I have known to be definite these past four years of my life is done and over with. I hope the future is kind to me. That’s all I can really hope for at this point.

Sincerely,

Jessica Guzman

I don’t follow very many fashion blogs who post outfit of the day type posts, but of the ones I do, I most definitely love Curiouserlia.

I love her style, and the way she pairs layers. I always look forward to checking her blog for new stuff.

If you have not checked it out, check her out here: http://curiouserlia.blogspot.com/ :)

Where to even begin? I honestly just feel really grateful, I can almost cry. I have that knot in my throat where I want to cry, joyful tears, but in some way I can’t really bring myself to cry because I’m too happy.

Earlier this year, I was stressing about my financial situation because of college. I was notified that I didn’t receive any Cal Grants, and so I seriously cried for days thinking my life was over. I couldn’t possibly pay for college, and my faith was shaken. I did not blame You, I did not question You, but I did – as a human – take the time to be emotional, as you already know. I just cried and got emotional because I didn’t know what Your plan for me was. Not knowing the plan You had for me was eating me up alive.

I had a very specific plan for myself, and I had prayed to You and asked You to move in the way You thought fit for me. I applied to the schools I needed to apply, I applied for the financial aid I needed to apply to, and I left the rest in Your hands. I was rejected to every CSU I had applied to. I didn’t receive any Cal Grants. It only left me with FIDM, Vanguard (who I had not heard back from at the time), CSUF (who I also had not heard back from at the time) & as for financial aid: FAFSA and scholarships I had applied to because I had still not heard back from any.

I felt as though You had made a mockery of me. It wasn’t until I talked to my Uncle Sergio and Aunt Vianey about it, where I came to the realization that I had to solely rely on my faith. I always felt that I had faith, but I was never challenged on my faith until that obstacle occurred. What is faith without action? Nothing. How could I say I had faith in Your WORD when I continuously made plans for myself and never took Your purpose for me into account? I was always terrified of the unknown, and felt the need to take control in my own hands all the time. How could I be a person like that and still say  I had faith?

I could be wrong LORD, but I do feel as though there was a much greater purpose for my rejections. I felt as though You were telling me, “Jessica, do you not trust me? Do you not trust in the plan I have for you?” To this day, I am always reminded of the verse in Jeremiah. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29: 11, NIV). I truly believe in my heart and soul that this was the lesson You were trying to teach me. I have always been a person who has feared the unknown. I have always feared spontaneity. I hate not knowing, and because of this… I did not have as strong of faith as I had thought I had.

When I cried to my Uncle and Aunt, I knew that I couldn’t question You or doubt Your plan for me. As much as my human instinct wanted to, I resisted. I put my faith where my mouth was, and finally learned what it meant to have faith. In a time of distraught, you did not forsake me. I had to be patient, I had to have trust, and so I did – and You most certainly did not forsake me when I needed you most.

This brings me to the ultimate gratitude I mentioned earlier. Months later, I was finally accepted into Vanguard University. I finally heard back from CSUF where I was wait-listed but at least it wasn’t a rejection. I finally heard back from a scholarship I had applied to and I was offered an interview. I also had a meeting with the financial aid officer at FIDM and came to the realization that I could go to FIDM if I wanted to.

This brought joy to my day because it was a reminder that you were still there. In a time where I had forsaken You, You showed me that You had not forsaken me. It makes me feel guilty for having forsaken You, and neglecting You the way I have but LORD I will put effort into restoring that relationship I once had with You. I need more of You, crave more of You, want more of Your word. I am sorry that I have been so busy with school and work, I pray for the strength to balance everything out. I pray that you put it in my boss’ heart to give me Sunday off because I really do miss going to church. I know I can praise You even without a church but I do miss that sense of communion with other believers.

Thank you, God. For everything You have done for me. I know I still have a long journey ahead, I pray that you continue to guide me in Your way, and continue to lead me to where I need to be.

I love you.

Sincerely,
Your Daughter-
Jessica Guzman.

I realized that the reason for this was because I haven’t been going through my journal. I haven’t even used it. I was so productive first semester because I had everything written down and due dates. This semester I’ve been kind of just kicking back and doing nothing… resulting in my C+ average. NO BUENO.

I, Jessica Guzman, vow to start using my journal more often. As a matter of fact, I’ll get to that right now. I need to write out everything that I have yet to do for the rest of this year. Yep.